Take a pressure sabbatical.

Taking a full sabbatical from work is a luxury few of us can afford. But how about taking a sabbatical from pressure?

I’ve realised that expecting too much of myself causes me to suffer and burn out. When I allow perfectionism to dominate, nothing is good enough, and am my own worst critic. But I am the one putting pressure on myself, allowing the ‘shoulds’ to govern me.

So why do we pressure ourselves? Is it because we want recognition? Perhaps we want to do better, be the best, crave attention, want the next best thing, long for, lust after, covet, yearn. Do these actions make us happy? The things that really make us happy are those that fulfil our human needs: friends, family, community, health, nourishment, sleep, shelter, safety, enough wealth to survive and a little more to thrive. Enough.

When we feel stressed, it is often our own expectations getting in the way; the pressure we pile onto ourselves. We could be our own best friend instead of our own worst enemy. What would you do if your best friend told you they felt pressured and that it was making them sick? What advice would you give? Make a list and see what comes up as you read it through.

Here are some ideas I’ve had while taking a pressure sabbatical:

• Stepping away from social media. I’m not missing out on life because life’s right here… now.

• I’ve learned that I don’t have to make an excuse or give a reason when saying NO.

• I’m only doing the bare minimum.

• I’ve let perfectionism go. Enough is good enough.

• I step away as soon as I begin to feel overwhelmed. Space brings perspective. Time spent in nature soothes our nervous system so I feel even better for a walk.

• I am easily bored so instead of pressuring myself to focus on just one job, I have a few on the go at once. When I start to feel dullness or boredom, I switch jobs. This has been a revelation to me because I actually get more done!

• I have learned to ask for help and accept it when offered. Pride doesn’t get me anywhere.

• Timetabling is great for brain fog! it means I can tick off the jobs!

• Regular rest breaks are essential. Pushing on is pushing into burn out. Rest can be 3 minutes of pranayama, a little weeding, movement of any kind.

Remember, as Brene Brown says, “you are always doing the best you can,” so why pressure yourself to do more?

Leave a comment if you have any good ideas for easing pressure.

Lessons learned from holding on too tightly.

If I could use one word to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately, it would be discombobulated. It’s been two years since we were in full lockdown in the UK. Life has changed for us all and whether we know it or not, it’s affected us on a tissue level. The fear, anxiety and stress went deep because we had to brace ourselves and now we’re living with constant uncertainty from the virus, the economy, the climate and the war in Ukraine.

I didn’t realise until my back went into spasm, just how much I had been holding on; quite literally bracing myself. I leapt from one crisis to another - the pandemic, the death of my father in law, the stress of starting a new course, deadlines and learning difficulties, keeping my business afloat and family issues; it all led to my becoming dissociated from myself.

I had known I needed to put the breaks on. I needed to stop, recentre and ground myself. I needed to feel what was happening on the inside, but my course exams were looming and I kept saying “not yet.” So my body floored me! That’s how it works energetically. “Now you’re listening aren’t you,” it said.

It’s been a humbling experience, not least because I know that what I do (or rather, don’t do) affects others. As Brene Brown would put it, I’ve been doing my best. And as I type this, the little gremlin in the back of my mind just said, “Yes, but your best isn’t good enough is it?” My job now is to silence that gremlin with kindness and self compassion.

The tools I learnt studying Yoga Therapy for the Mind will help me. As I say to my clients who take the De-Stress your Mid-Life course, these tools are life long skills that we will return to over and over again. To be human is to be fallible. But the most important thing is that we learn from our mistakes. And my mistake was not prioritising self care.

So lessons learned are:

• Doing your best is good enough.

• Taking time every day for self care is not selfish, but invaluable.

• Celebrate every success, no matter how small.

• Ask for help when you need it.

• The boys are capable of looking after themselves, so let them!

I hope in some way, you resonate with some of this and find it useful to hear my story.

An exercise in adaptability.

Our ability to adapt to different situations depends very much on the individual. Some of us have a sensitive nervous system that requires nurturing. Others are more robust. The condition of our nervous system is determined to a degree by how stressed our mother was when we were in vitro but is also down to the amount of trauma and stress we have experienced in our life.

When we encounter a stressor, every system in our body responds. In order to return to a state of equilibrium (homeostasis), the nervous and endocrine systems have to adapt. We can help our internal recovery along by building mental strength and flexibility. Having a better understanding of ourselves promotes adaptability.

Write a list of circumstances which make you feel uncomfortable such as confrontation, being in a crowded space, driving on the motorway, meeting new people etc... Nothing triggering. As you write each one down, pause and notice how you feel in your body. What are the sensations? Where are they felt? Notice and be curious. Try not to analyse or push them away.

Now visualise the same scenarios differently:

• Breathe deep down into your belly.

• See yourself with your shoulders rolled back, your chest open and your head straight.

• Clench your fists gently. Does that help you to feel more powerful? If it fuels anger, instead of pushing it away, notice where you feel it and how?

• Feel your feet on the ground and ‘root’ down.

• What other physical posture could you take?

• Make a positive affirmation such as, ‘I can do this’, or ‘I’ve got this.’

Write down how you feel. Check in with your mind, body and breath. You may find it helpful to practice this visualisation before every situation with which you are uncomfortable.

Low level stress actually helps us to adapt. Each time we cope with an uncomfortable situation, we feel empowered and become more resilient physiologically and mentally. To strengthen your ability to adapt:

• Step out of your comfort zone regularly.

• Notice, change and notice the change.

• Remember that thoughts are not facts.

• Never base your present fears on past experience; no two situations are the same.

• Be prepared to bend your own rules be more flexible; your way isn’t the only way.

• Acceptance empowers you.

• Do not allow failure to stop you. We learn from our mistakes.

Here are some other tools which you may find helpful:

• Slow down - taking life at a slower pace allows us be aware of our experience and to recuperate from the challenges.

• Keep a journal - writing down our feelings helps put things into perspective.

• Practice gratitude - the brain has a negativity bias so force yourself to recollect the positives.

• Spend time in nature regularly; it is proven to calm and ground us.

If you feel you need some support on your journey, I’m here to help. Why not book a Clarity Call and we can chat confidentially about how to take you forwards.

Stress - Begin Where You Are.

It only has to take one event to trigger a complete change in your breathing habit. You might always have breathed in your belly (although you were probably not aware of this), then one day you were traumatised by a major stressor. This could be anything that put you into an immediate stress response, from a traumatic event to being yelled at. How your body responds is what is important here.

Commonly with the stress response, your breath shifts from belly to chest. You want to pull air into your lungs so that oxygen can be sent to your heart rapidly, enabling you to fight or flee from the threat. In a healthy system, once the threat is over, the stress response is switched off and breathing returns to the belly.

In modern society where we are constantly under threat on a psychological and physiological basis, the stress response can be triggered again and again in a single day. So what happens? The breath gets stuck in your chest and whether you feel stressed or not, your body thinks you are and keeps you in the stress response.

With so much threat around us, how do we know that we are stuck in the stress response? There are too many signs to list, but here are some things to look out for:

• Being easily startled.

• Constant doing - restlessness.

• Eyes darting around.

• Constant chatter.

• Rushing.

• Low pain tolerance.

• Consistent tension in the back of the skull, jaw, neck or shoulders.

• Feeling regularly overwhelmed.

• Sensory overload - sensitivity to light and sound in particular.

• Over-thinking and spending too much time in the head.

• Consistent chest breathing and pulling of the breath.

• Mouth breathing.

• Difficulty with concentration and focus.

• Listlessness, exhaustion or fatigue.

Sound familiar? Whatever you do, DON’T carry on as you are! Stress is not your friend. The stress hormones that are constantly rampaging around your body can do serious damage to your health. Now is the time to implement self care.

If you find that your mind is busy, busy, busy, you might need to begin with movement. A simple routine like the cat sequence I frequently teach can be a good place to begin. Don’t worry about the breathing but do notice the contact your body has with the floor.

If you are overwhelmed, begin at your feet. Notice them, feel them on the ground and if that is difficult, massage them so that you really feel the sensations in your feet. Squeezing the arms and legs can be useful if you feel disconnected from yourself.

If you can cope with stillness, concentrate on your breath. Sound is the easiest way of making the shift from chest breathing to belly breathing. It doesn’t matter what it is but you could try, sss, fff, ahh, brr. Sound that can loosen a tense jaw is brilliant!

Practice breathing through your nose as often as possible. It took a single event to alter your breath; it is possible to change it back within 24 hours. It just takes practice. Mouth breathing or shallow breathing reduces the amount of Carbon Dioxide (CO2) you take in. CO2 is necessary for vaso-dilation (dilating your blood vessels) which allows for oxygen uptake. Without this, blood vessels constrict which means the flow of blood is slowed leading to potential complications. Red blood cells hang on to oxygen when CO2 is low, therefore the body’s cells are not receiving enough oxygen to thrive.

If after reading this you start to panic, STOP! This is life and you are not alone. Stuff gets in the way of self care. But now you understand the importance of taking time for yourself and addressing the issue, begin where you are.

If you need support on your journey, do get in touch.

Finding Space in a Frantic World - Part 2

Following on from last month’s post when you were invited to practice the 3 step breathing space as a way of ‘checking in’ to your sense of self, we are going to continue by looking at further areas where self awareness can make a big difference to our sense of space.

Posture. When life gets on top of you, physical tension builds up in the body. Most commonly, the shoulders protract in an effort to protect your heart; your emotional centre.

Over time, the more protracted you get, the more the body has to compensate in order to be able to look straight ahead. You are likely to develop tension in your neck that may cause headaches. I often see a permanent crease in the neck after years of compensation. Alternatively, the head is pushed forwards and the curves of the spine become exaggerated. These physical changes result in a decrease in lung capacity as you are literally restricting their ability to expand. The breath becomes shallow, often in the chest, which sends a message to the autonomic nervous system (ANS) that you are stressed. The pattern of lacking mental, emotional and now physical space perpetuates. Shoulder protraction may begin with poor posture which still sends a message of stress and even depression to the brain and body, culminating in actually feeling that way even if you were not before.

So what can you do about it? When sitting, raise your hips slightly higher than your knees. This allows the hip flexor muscles (at the top of your thighs) to switch off and enables your pelvis to sit in ‘neutral’ so that the natural curves of your spine are supported by gravity. It helps to support the lumbar curve so that this part of your back can rest and you can maintain length throughout your spine without creating tension. Any deviation to this and you have to compensate as you can see in the first two images above.

Whatever table or desk you are sitting at, it is important to make sure that your chair is at the correct height so that you don’t have to hunch your shoulders to use your keyboard or write or even eat. Make sure your computer monitor is at eye level. It might be a good idea to purchase a separate keyboard if you use a lap top for hours every day. The worst thing of all for posture, is to sit side on to your desk. Do what you can to be able to face your monitor squarely. If you regularly have to turn, turn your whole body not just your neck or spine, otherwise you risk developing a scoliosis by only ever rotating in one direction. Sitting with the legs crossed will in time create an imbalance in your pelvis which will carry on up the spine, so uncross your legs and sit with your heels under your knees instead.

Try this exercise daily to maintain mobility in the shoulders and relieve tightness across the chest.

Emotions You are probably aware that negative thoughts such as worry and doubt cause the sensation of anxiety in the body; butterflies in the tummy or the literal feeling of adrenaline surging through you. Negative thinking therefore, causes stress. The brain and nervous system only understand stress as threat and will essentially do what is natural to support you in escaping the threat. You will be forced to take shallow breaths into the chest in preparation to run or fight. So in order to relax the nervous system we need to move the breathing into the belly so informing the brain that you are in fact in a state of rest. Thoughts are not facts. So write positive affirmations and post them around you! ‘I am confident’. ‘Overcoming challenges builds strength’. Or as I saw on the final of The Great British Bake Off; ‘I have won’ (the great British bake off). Making affirmations in the present tense, as if they have already happened, helps us to think more positively.

Breath Lying on your back with your knees bent, or sitting upright with your lumbar spine supported, breathe into your belly as if you were inflating a balloon both upwards and width-ways. This may feel alien to begin with, especially if you are used to chest breathing. You may have to imagine your rib cage expanding first and then bring the breath down to the belly.

With practice this action will inform your ANS that you are relaxed. If you are familiar with Ujjayi breathing, this pranayama will slow your breath down and help you to relax more. You should aim to breathe out for twice as long as you breathe in. Initially however, you may need to keep the ratio equal and gradually lengthen the out breath. This is particularly important if you are depressed and/or suffer from lethargy, as lengthening the out breath makes us more relaxed and as a result, for some at least, a little sleepy.

I like to start my day with this breathing practice while still lying in bed. It is also a helpful practice to lull you to sleep and to give you mental space at the end of your working day.

Do you ever get home with the feeling that the last thing you are ready for is your family pouncing on you and demanding your attention? One of the biggest gifts you can give your family is time to yourself first. After all, I’m sure they would rather enjoy your company when you are relaxed and jovial, than when grouchy and snappy! Let it be known that before you spend time with them, you need 5 minutes to lie down somewhere quiet and focus on your breathing.

In addition to the breathing practice, you can use the out breaths to visualise your back, neck and shoulder muscles relaxing; melting like butter into the ground beneath you. Stay for as long as you need to so that you relieve some of the tension of the day.

If this sounds like your life, you might find the Stress Busting Yoga on the first Sunday of each month a helpful lesson to take. During the two hours from 10.00 - 12.00, we practice some strong asana to rid the body of stress hormones and include some restorative poses, deep breathing and relaxation or meditation to help you feel restored.

Finding Space in a Frantic World - Part 1

When life gets on top of you, do you find yourself feeling mentally crowded, physically tense or emotionally unstable? Often this comes with a sense that we are lacking the space to just ‘be.’

It is at such times that we most commonly switch into auto-pilot behaviours such as snapping at people, eating a poor diet, not exercising or developing chronic physical tension.

The irony is that whilst we may think we are too busy for change, now is the time to press pause before exhaustion sets in and we become less productive or worse still, have to take time out due to illness.

In this two part post, I am going to offer some ideas as to how you can manage your well-being when life is frantic by cultivating a sense of spaciousness.

This month I recommend the 3 Step Breathing Space as a first port of call. This practice invites curiosity into habitual tendencies of mind, helps reduce auto-pilot behaviours and connects us to the body as a way of informing us about our state of mind. This cyclical or hourglass practice opens us up to present moment experiences; the more frequently it is called upon as a resource, the sooner we learn to recognise and switch off auto-pilot.

Read through the instructions and then try it out:

STEP 1 Check in with your thoughts, emotions and sensations in the moment. See yourself through a wide-angled lens to take in how each is a response to the other.

For example, you might be generally feeling pressured and wishing you had more time. You probably find yourself less patient than usual. It is likely that your thoughts go hand in hand with emotions such as anger or frustration. These emotions might manifest as physical sensations like tightening in the throat because we do not feel heard or knotting in the stomach.

Pay close attention to each in turn and to the patterns that weave through.

STEP 2 Your anchor. The term anchor is used to narrow your focus of attention to one thing that holds you in the present moment. Most commonly and easily is the breath. Choose one aspect of breathing to begin with, such as the air entering your nostrils or the rise and fall of your chest or belly.

It may take some time before the thoughts subside. Perhaps you drift from one thought to another with barely a moments space between. What is important is when you do notice that you are thinking, to simply acknowledge the fact and gently guide the attention back to the breath. Try not to judge yourself when you notice the mind thinking; this is a very natural human behaviour.

STEP 3 Once you feel more settled in the present, widen your focus again to take in the thoughts, emotions, sensations and include the sounds around you. Notice how you can focus on your breathing but equally be aware of the comings and goings of the mind. Thoughts, emotions, sensations, sounds are transient unless we choose to cling to them.

By dropping in to the 3 Step Breathing Space frequently throughout your day, you can step away from the clinging and perhaps find yourself some mental space to continue with better focus, concentration and clarity. It isn’t easy when you are new to this, but with practice you can find yourself pressing pause more easily and resetting your current mental state to one that is more spacious.

Next month I will write about ways in which we can address the physical tension and emotional instability.

If you would like to work with me in support of finding more space in your life, please email directly.

Namaste.