Could Self Compassion be the Key to Everything?

Someone very kindly gifted me a book on how self compassion is the missing component of good health and it makes a lot of sense.

When you’re asked what self compassion is, you may consider it to be self indulgence, selfishness or even, a bit drippy. It is none of those things, in fact evidence shows that people who practice self compassion are less likely to suffer from stress, illness or chronic pain. Self compassion improves our sense of self worth and increases social connection, empathy and compassion.

I am guilty of falling into the trap of obsessing over my health which is no doubt why I was sent the aforementioned book titled “Healthy Shouldn’t Be This Hard.,” by Sarah Ann Macklin.

It all began when I was diagnosed by a nutritional therapist with Leaky Gut Syndrome. Doctors don’t recognise it as a condition and I couldn’t afford to work with the therapist who overloaded me with information and suggested endless protocols, some of which were deeply unpleasant and many were very expensive. I found my own way out with the help of a book, but not before I had fallen hopelessly down the rabbit hole of self judgement.

As a mother, you put your family first. Their needs are more important than your own aren’t they? I certainly thought so. I tried very hard not to indulge my children with refined sugar. But the modern world encourages rewarding children with ‘treats’ and other members of my family saw it as cruel that I didn’t allow them to eat sweets or drink squash. I was made to feel guilty for wanting the best for my children’s health and this is something that Macklin speaks of in her book.

I was suffering from depression and too tired to fight everyone. Soon, the sugar arrived: after school treats, Friday sweets, Grandma’s cakes and so on and I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I wish I’d had the strength of character to insist that I knew what was best for my children, because it would have been an act of compassion to have done so. The problem is that sugar is more addictive than cocaine. My own diet suffered as a result, after all, sugar is inflammatory and when you’re already neurodivergent and suffering from poor mental health, there is little willpower when sugar is placed in front of you. The inflammation attacked my gut and Bingo!

I managed to come off sugar when I needed to heal my gut. But it wasn’t through self compassion that I achieved better health, it was through necessity. And it wasn’t whole health either…

Instagram had recently begun and I took photos of every healthy meal I made, I videoed my Yoga practice, took walks where I considered how I could use the opportunity to speak about nature being good for the nervous system. It was relentless and I couldn’t switch off. Life was asking for more, more, more but all I wanted was less, slower, gentler, so unsurprisingly, it all became too much.

Me being me, I started a course entitled The Power of Self Compassion with Kristin Neff and Chris Gerberg. I am still redoing the course years later because like everything that is good for us, we need constant reminders. As my Yoga Therapy tutor said again and again, “this is a life’s work.”

Mindfulness is the foundation of self compassion. The definition of mindfulness according to Jon Kabat Zinn is ‘awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.’

You don’t remember how delicious food tasted if all you’re concerned about is photographing it for social media. You can’t be present on the Yoga mat if you’re recording yourself, checking that it came out alright between poses. You don’t see the beauty of nature if your mind is imagining it through a lens. You aren’t being compassionate by fuelling your children on sugar. The ramifications of all these things are punishing.

Thankfully there seems to be a movement against social media, against watches that shame you with reminders of what you ‘should’ be doing and phones that demand your attention in the middle of a conversation or a meeting. We don’t need to live our lives via an algorithm that encourages you to do more, be more, have more and copy others.

We all know that the key to good health is to eat well, exercise and get a good night’s sleep. It’s not as difficult as it’s made out to be. What we lack is time; time for ourselves.

Thankfully the call towards self compassion is being heard. I heard it eventually and it is something I am bringing into my classes because advocating for oneself is not selfish. It is the only way to survive in the world. Putting yourself before others is sensible. If you are healthy, happy and well, you can absolutely be there for others, whether they need you or not.

If there was more self compassion in the world today, maybe there would be less fighting, less selfishness, more kindness, more friendship, more sharing and more love. The next time you go to grab the sugary snack, recognise your need. Place your hands on your body, pause, check in. Do you need a glass of water? Are you tired? Struggling to focus? Do you actually need a break? Stand up and move. Sit down and rest. Notice your breath. Be present. Act as you would were you offering advice to a friend.

If you need to work on self compassion and are not sure how to begin, try my De-Stress Your Midlife course which takes you through the steps required to lead you to where you want to be.