I only learned about ADHD when ‘slow processing’ was suggested as the cause of my son’s difficulties at college. I began to look into ADHD and grief set in for the child I had been. ‘This is me,’ I realised. ‘This is my life, this is why I struggled so much at school, failed exams because I would misinterpret the question or not be able to memorise the answers. This is why I have failed at courses in spite of being passionate about the subjects. This is why'… and so it goes on. I am still on a path to learn all I can but I know, despite not yet having a diagnosis, that I have ADHD.
The world isn’t set up for people like me. And while I am today, in the mood to laugh at myself, I am often in tears of frustration, low mood or needing to retreat from the world; I really struggle to be me at times. But I thought that writing about a day in my life (while making myself feel vulnerable), might resonate with some of my readers and encourage others to be more understanding of those who struggle with the condition.
Waking up:
It’s 4, or 5, or 6 a.m. I am nowhere near ready to get out of bed. I am wide awake and yet still really tired. My slightly arthritic back is stiff and I can feel that staying in bed isn’t helping. So I place a pillow between my knees and using Ujjayi breathing, I move my pelvis this way and that until my back eases. Sometimes, this so relaxing that I fall asleep again, especially if I’ve had a bad night.
Getting up:
I go to the bathroom and wash. My husband tries to speak to me but I can neither respond nor speak. My brain is still so sleepy but it doesn’t stop thoughts from racing:
What should I wear?
Should I go outside first (to get daylight into my pineal gland and help reset my circadian rhythm because surely this will help me sleep better)?
I’ll put my mucky jeans on.
No, I’ll do some Yoga first. I have to teach this morning.
But I haven’t done a workout yet this week. I feel guilty. Maybe I should go to the gym. No, it’s too late for that.
I’ll go for a walk.
I take too long on the walk, getting distracted by the beauty and serenity of nature. I am soothed by it but now I am in a rush.
Quick, breakfast:
I used to be good at planning what to have for breakfast the previous day. Protein. But for some reason, this is difficult now. Is this a day for coffee? Real coffee or decaffeinated? If I have real coffee, I might stay awake tonight (and get verbal diarrhoea and possibly get hyper too). Decaf. I’m now cooking something that I have to rush down my throat 15 minutes before teaching. Darn it! I forgot to take my pills. (Hyper-mobility is frequently comorbid with ADHD and gut sensitivity. I am supposed to take digestive enzymes before breakfast). I’ll take them at lunchtime. Crikey, it’s 9.15 and my clients will be here soon.
In the bathroom:
Urgh, I look awful. I want to put my full face on. There’s no time! Just hurry up! Your clients are arriving - I can hear the door opening.
Teaching:
I’m in my calm place. I win at this, (unless my sleep has been really bad and then I get my lefts and rights muddled up, or I just can’t find the words). I’ve forgotten that student’s name. She’s been coming for years, what’s her name? I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I have a hot flush. We’re meditating now. My mind’s all over the place. Racing with this thought or that. I want to look at my phone. I mustn’t. We’re meditating for goodness sake. Is everyone okay? No one’s looking troubled. Close my eyes and start again.
Class over:
What’s next? Shopping. Write a list. What do I need? I had loads of things in my head last night. I can’t think right now. Remember that washing that needs doing? Put it on. What was I doing before? Shopping! Where’s my phone? I must have left it upstairs. Nope. Did I go to the loo? No. I just remembered something I needed. Where’s my damn phone? 10 minutes lates… it’s on top of the laundry basket! Right, shopping list. What was that thing I needed to put on the list? It’s gone. Let’s check the fridge. I’m staring into space. Completely blank. Suddenly aware that I’ve glazed over. What was I doing? Shopping. Check the cupboards. I’d really like a cup of tea. Kettle’s boiling. Get the shopping bags. Well done. Shall I put the tea in a flask and take it with me? Where’s the flask? I swear I put it away last night. Where is it? Another 10 minutes later… it’s still in my gym bag! I hate shopping. I really don’t feel like going today. Do I have to go? Could I put it off until tomorrow? I’d much rather do something creative. Nah, let’s not go shopping.
Do you notice that I’ve changed the format? I was using bullet points and now I’m writing long sentences. I could remedy that. The perfectionist in me really wants to but I know it’ll take me ages and for the sake of demonstrating what it’s like to be in my head, I won’t. But it’s really niggling at me. It feels unprofessional.
Lunch time:
What can I make for lunch? Stare into the fridge. No leftovers. Oh, I know, I’ll make… Eating. Damn it! I forgot my digestive enzymes again. Double damn it, these vegetables were meant for supper. What am I going to make for supper now? Ohhh, I should have gone shopping!
Later that day… Bedtime:
I am falling asleep at 9.30. I know to slow down an hour or so before bed. Preferably with subdued lighting and no screen on. But this show is so good. I’ll just watch another episode. My head is nodding. Go to bed. In bed. I’m wide awake now. I’ll try focusing on my breath. Nope, not working. I’ll do a body scan. Focus your attention on your left big toe… zzz. Awake. What time is it? It must be morning, I’m wide awake. It’s midnight. Start again. Listen to a story… zzz. I need a pee. It must be morning. It is, it’s 2.30, 3.30 or if I’m lucky 4.30. But I’m too tired to get up. Listen to a story… zzz. 6.30 My husband gets up. It’s too early. I’m so tired. I’m really stiff. I REALLY need a pee. I drag myself out of bed. Don’t speak to me. Arghhh!
At post menopause every symptom of ADHD has been magnified especially Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). The bad day I described above can be a lot worse. I can procrastinate to the point where I do nothing. I can be very cruel to myself. I’ve just finished a floristry course but I’m holding myself back from setting up in business because I’m scared of rejection. I’m not good enough. I hate getting feedback. I am unable to regulate my emotions especially if I’m triggered by some comment that was misinterpreted. I explode and cry. I feel ashamed and foolish.
I know I should promote my business on social media. I should share all the knowledge that I can’t remember at this precise moment. But I don’t want to show up. I feel a fraud. But I need to tell people how I can help them. I need to explain why I am the Yoga teacher they should work with. I need them to know that I am the best at what I do, that I will have their back, that I will transform their mental and physical health. But I can’t, I’m no good. Put someone in front of me and I will know precisely what they need. But I don’t know what to say in a social post. I can’t think what to say. Which photo would I use? I should sort my photos out. I should stop bloody ‘shoulding’ all over the place! Why is should spelt with an L?
I am frozen. Stuck in a pit of shame and guilt and remorse and grief that I could have done so much better, I could have been so much better if only I’d known about ADHD when I was young. I’m 55. What do I have to show for it? What the hell am I going to do for the rest of my life? How on earth am I going to survive? Who can help me? No one. No one can help you. You haven’t got any friends. Your family don’t care about you. Who would want to bother? You’re too negative, you interrupt all the time, you’re too much. There must be someone I can call on. Who can I call? No one. Feel the shame. Feel the guilt. Feel the remorse. Sit with the grief and the loneliness. Get on your Yoga mat and feel all the horrible, shameful emotions you are going through.
Are you kidding? Why would I want to do that?
But I do that. I need to be present. I need to be self compassionate more than anything. And so I breathe. And I move. And I do the strong stuff because it brings me into my body, makes me grounded helps me to feel strong on the outside as well as the inside. Right now, it is hard for me to be introspective. At the time of writing, my life feels topsy turvey. I have a husband who, two years after a serious motor bike accident, still has broken bones because he too has ADHD (full disclosure, we are both undiagnosed but you know what you know). He uses smoking and sugar to soothe his nervous system. Smoking blocks the bone building receptors and sugar causes inflammation.
I am furious! I am holding a lot, carrying a lot and all this is not helping my ADHD.
I don’t know if I really want to share this post. I don’t want people to pity me, or reject me for oversharing. I want people to understand. People close to me just don’t understand. No one’s ever understood. I don’t even understand! I’m overwhelmed. Exhausted. I might delete the post. I need a rest.
Finally, you should know that I have been working on this post for 5 days. It took 5 hours to write initially and it has subsequently undergone a number of edits. Such is the life of a woman with ADHD.
If you want to understand more about ADHD; what it is and how it affects various brain structures, read this article.
